YES! I have always wanted my very own cult. I already have disciples according to some cunts so I'm halfway there. God gave me some rules that only I can read and I've misplaced them now so you can't see them - easily done losing these golden plate thingies I'm sure everybody has done it. Anyway he told me that he wants everyone to give me all their worldly goods, well not the goods, what the fuck would I do with al that stuff? No, what God said is that everyone should sell all their stuff on Ebay and send the money to me so I can build a temple on a private caribbean island where I can talk to him and receive his word. I will then tell the cultists what he wants and they can do his bidding, of course God is much too busy to do his own bidding, he's still a bit cream crackered from creating the Universe, so he's having a bit of a lie down and only talks to his chosen representative on Earth - me.
Here's some of his rules (send money to get on the ladder to salvation and receive the next set of God's holy orders).:
He's not arsed if you grow a beard or not but man-buns are vile in His sight, straight to eternal damnation for having one of those satanic monstrosities on your head.
Yea, has He commanded that fat women shall cover themselves from head to foot no foul obese flesh shall be revealed.
He commands that no man may partake of the Okra plant, it is an abomination unto Him and those who eat it shall suffer the fires of hell. He has changed his mind about anchovies so you can eat them now without getting a pitchfork up your rear end.
Coveting your neighbours arse? Dunno, he didn't say, so it's probably best not to just in case.
Anyway he told me that he wants everyone to give me all their worldly goods, well not the goods, what the fuck would I do with al that stuff? No, what God said is that everyone should sell all their stuff on Ebay and send the money to me