Shitting with the door open...💩

[Yid]

So, I'm procrastinating a little bit and have spent some quality time emptying my bowels this morning...

I feel (while it may be slightly over sharing) that I should report everything is well, apart from a little sting from the previous evenings jalapenos... They were delicious and spicy going in, as part of my home made chicken kebabs... I digress...

So I am sat here with my keks round my ankles, the light/extractor wiring away, music softly tinkling away somewhere in the background and the wife in her office chatting to someone on a Teams call...

I am able to give you all this detail as I have (with abandonment) left the shitter door wide open...! And I like it. There's no one else here, the teenage skids are off being learned and right at this moment, I don't give a fuck...!

Maybe this is the new me. Maybe it's other peoples problem if they don't want to see me crimping one off and currently there's no one to see... I like it...

There is no smelly of spicy poo wafting from the area as the extractor is doing it's job... I don't feel shut off like I'm doing something wrong. It feels like when you were a kid and you'd slip into the woods frantically searching for a robust Dockleaf to curl one out as you'd already admitted defeat and was never going to make it home in time...

I'm not claustrophobic, I'm not emotionally fragile and need people around me all the time... I just hink open plan shitting is a new and in my opinion right here and now... a nicer experience...!!!

Happy to take advice from experienced open door defecator's on any pitfalls or ways to further enhance my experience...

If you're quick you might get suggestions in before round 2 as these Jalepinios are gonna cause me some issues throughout the day...

 

[spurious]

So, I'm procrastinating a little bit and have spent some quality time emptying my bowels this morning...

I feel (while it may be slightly over sharing) that I should report everything is well, apart from a little sting from the previous evenings jalapenos... They were delicious and spicy going in, as part of my home made chicken kebabs... I digress...

So I am sat here with my keks round my ankles, the light/extractor wiring away, music softly tinkling away somewhere in the background and the wife in her office chatting to someone on a Teams call...

I am able to give you all this detail as I have (with abandonment) left the shitter door wide open...! And I like it. There's no one else here, the teenage skids are off being learned and right at this moment, I don't give a fuck...!

Maybe this is the new me. Maybe it's other peoples problem if they don't want to see me crimping one off and currently there's no one to see... I like it...

There is no smelly of spicy poo wafting from the area as the extractor is doing it's job... I don't feel shut off like I'm doing something wrong. It feels like when you were a kid and you'd slip into the woods frantically searching for a robust Dockleaf to curl one out as you'd already admitted defeat and was never going to make it home in time...

I'm not claustrophobic, I'm not emotionally fragile and need people around me all the time... I just hink open plan shitting is a new and in my opinion right here and now... a nicer experience...!!!

Happy to take advice from experienced open door defecator's on any pitfalls or ways to further enhance my experience...

If you're quick you might get suggestions in before round 2 as these Jalepinios are gonna cause me some issues throughout the day...

Quite evocative. I'm fine with whatever anyone else does, and you do make it sound luxurious, but I shut the door even if I'm just having a squirt, even if I'm the only one home. It just feels more comfortable.

No problem with pissing in an actual public place, nor even with walking around the house naked, but for these few moments of the day, I want a room to myself.

 

[Yid]

.....nor even with walking around the house naked.....

I had this convo with a colleague..... Clothing is oppressive... She disagreed..... And wouldn't join in.....

 

[Dave]

Personally, I think an open door shite is essential for a man's well being, but not while there's humans or even a curious cat or dog in the vicinity.

While i admit there is a sense of freedom, of not being accountable, and yes, it can be therapeutic and generally satisfying, I'll only do it when there's nobody else in the house. It's not safe. I could scar my kids for life tbh if they ran up the stairs too quickly and caught me before I could react.
Nobody wants to see that and my extractor fan is as much use as a chocolate fireguard so it's usually a rapid rise from the bog and quick grab of the harpic.

Tbh @Yid I think you're relying too much on the extractor fan to trust it to illiminate the waft. It's like when you've had garlic the night before and notice people backing away slightly from you during a conversation. You think you're ok, but the reality is very different.

In summary, yes I enjoy the open door experience myself, but only with myself. Not prepared to play "Shite Roulette" just yet...however, this may change as old age sets in and I generally give less of a fuck.

 

[Dave]

So I am sat here with my keks round my ankles

Ya see, I don't do that. I tuck the arse side of my boxers on the seat so the upper legs don't fall victim of a cold ceramic shock. So they're still on.. but above the knee..
I can only assume most of you are now enthralled and in awe of this ground breaking knowledge and dynamic info... It's ok. Don't feel inferior or silly in any way. Just have gratitude that you have access to it.

 

[spurious]

I can't believe how much introspection - baring of the soul, if you will - this thread has prompted. While I stand (sit?) by my above identification as a door-firmly-closed man when indoors, I'm now thinking about camping. And how freeing it is to sit on an open thunderbox to drop a deuce surrounded by as much of god's green earth as can see or smell me. Only the mosquitoes cut that experience short; if they're not swarming, I'll bring a book and a drink with me.

 

[J.spurs]

Ya see, I don't do that. I tuck the arse side of my boxers on the seat so the upper legs don't fall victim of a cold ceramic shock.

All of the toilets in my house are within 1 foot of a wall radiator. Absolute bliss on a cold morning.

But I have to admit—I’m definitely a closed door man.

 

[Yid]

I used to work with a guy who couldn't shit......... With any clothes on...!

He would get fully naked every time he took a shit...

I asked why and he couldn't articulate why, but he literally couldn't do it... He's used public toilets and still de-robed in order take a dump...

Never to this day did I understand why someone would need to do that.

Also, the half rolling down ya strides, is not a bit of me... I've managed to (as a younger man with a significantly higher flow rate piss through the gap between the seat and the bowl... Fucking low point when you pull up your strides and find piss all over them...!

I do often, on long deployments get pins and needles/numb feet though... And I don't know why but out of habit always seem to default to sitting... On tip-toes...

Analysing one's own strange shitting technique... I think this is true growth...

 

[DMackay]

When I joined this forum I wasn’t expecting such a high level of debate!

But as we’re here I don’t have an option as to whether to leave the shitter door open as my wife has made her feelings quite clear on the subject and even encourages me to have a radio on to muffle the sounds which I admit can be embarrassing

 

[spurious]

 

[Yid]

When I joined this forum I wasn’t expecting such a high level of debate!

But as we’re here I don’t have an option as to whether to leave the shitter door open as my wife has made her feelings quite clear on the subject and even encourages me to have a radio on to muffle the sounds which I admit can be embarrassing

You came to the right place... Stand firm brother. Throw off the shackles of oppression and shit with wholesome abandonment with the door where ever you please it to be... FIGHT THE EVIL TYRANTS...!!!


















*Or just do as you're told like the rest of us...

 

[DMackay]

I’ll do as I’m told!

 

[Dorset]

Dirty, filthy, perverted, sick cunts. SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! Imagine walking into a public toilet where all the doors are open and there are loads of blokes taken care of their business. It would be like those Roman cunts all sitting there having a chat then passing the stick to wipe off the debris. I was traumatised when I was a teenager, we were kipping on the beach on a Greek island, there was a so-called public toilet at the end of the jetty, no door, no flush, no fucking toilet - just a hole to squat over. I was in there one morning taking a dump and this old Greek woman came in and started chatting, I didn't know how to say 'fuck off, I'm having a shit' in Greek so I had to endure it. That was probably the cause of one of my many mental health issues, or the drugs, or the alcohol, or demonic possession.

 

[DMackay]

Dirty, filthy, perverted, sick cunts. SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! Imagine walking into a public toilet where all the doors are open and there are loads of blokes taken care of their business. It would be like those Roman cunts all sitting there having a chat then passing the stick to wipe off the debris. I was traumatised when I was a teenager, we were kipping on the beach on a Greek island, there was a so-called public toilet at the end of the jetty, no door, no flush, no fucking toilet - just a hole to squat over. I was in there one morning taking a dump and this old Greek woman came in and started chatting, I didn't know how to say 'fuck off, I'm having a shit' in Greek so I had to endure it. That was probably the cause of one of my many mental health issues, or the drugs, or the alcohol, or demonic possession.

It’s very similar in Turkey outside the main tourist areas
Just a hole to squat over

I never got used to it despite once owning property there

 

[spurious]

Dirty, filthy, perverted, sick cunts. SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! Imagine walking into a public toilet where all the doors are open and there are loads of blokes taken care of their business. It would be like those Roman cunts all sitting there having a chat then passing the stick to wipe off the debris. I was traumatised when I was a teenager, we were kipping on the beach on a Greek island, there was a so-called public toilet at the end of the jetty, no door, no flush, no fucking toilet - just a hole to squat over. I was in there one morning taking a dump and this old Greek woman came in and started chatting, I didn't know how to say 'fuck off, I'm having a shit' in Greek so I had to endure it. That was probably the cause of one of my many mental health issues, or the drugs, or the alcohol, or demonic possession.

I once took my seven-year-old nephew camping in the backwoods with the boys. On the day of departure, I learned from his mom that he wouldn't eat any of the vittles I was packing. So we loaded up with cans - yes, cans - of beans for him. Despite that diet, once he learned we had to dig a hole over which to squat and shit, he refused to do the business. Four days without production.

He's alright now, but that was 20 years ago.

 

[Dorset]

I once took my seven-year-old nephew camping in the backwoods with the boys. On the day of departure, I learned from his mom that he wouldn't eat any of the vittles I was packing. So we loaded up with cans - yes, cans - of beans for him. Despite that diet, once he learned we had to dig a hole over which to squat and shit, he refused to do the business. Four days without production.

He's alright now, but that was 20 years ago.

Phew! I'm glad he's got over it - not having a poo for 20 years would probably be bad for your health. I don't mind digging a hole and squatting it, done it hundreds of times, in many inhospitable places, but I'm not having a nice chat with any fucker while I am evacuating my bowels - or before I've had a good trample round to make sure all the spiders, scorpions, snakes and arse invading worms have all fucked off. That reminds me of another thing, when I had my tonsils ripped out when I was a nipper, they did it every kid who had ever had a sore throat back in those 'good old days', a very stern, scary nurse asked me if my bowel had moved, I had a look at my bowl of oranges and apples and said told her it was in the same place. She got right umpty because a fucking 8 year old didn't understand what the fuck she was saying, so to this day I cannot poo while a big grumpy woman in a uniform is watching.

 

[DMackay]

Phew! I'm glad he's got over it - not having a poo for 20 years would probably be bad for your health. I don't mind digging a hole and squatting it, done it hundreds of times, in many inhospitable places, but I'm not having a nice chat with any fucker while I am evacuating my bowels - or before I've had a good trample round to make sure all the spiders, scorpions, snakes and arse invading worms have all fucked off. That reminds me of another thing, when I had my tonsils ripped out when I was a nipper, they did it every kid who had ever had a sore throat back in those 'good old days', a very stern, scary nurse asked me if my bowel had moved, I had a look at my bowl of oranges and apples and said told her it was in the same place. She got right umpty because a fucking 8 year old didn't understand what the fuck she was saying, so to this day I cannot poo while a big grumpy woman in a uniform is watching.

Some men would pay a lot of money for that….

 

[Yid]

I know 2 women... Who shit once a month... I asked how physiologically, that is possible as they're not overly large (as in storing a month's worth of shit up large)...

And when they go... It must be like a storm drain opening... For like an entire morning... And they must literally be drained...

Are there poo doctors who could explain this?

 

[DMackay]

I know 2 women... Who shit once a month... I asked how physiologically, that is possible as not overly large (as in storing a month's worth of shit up)...

And when they go... It must be like a storm drain opening... For like an entire morning... And they must literally be drained...

Are there poo doctors who could explain this?

Do you know them professionally?

 

[Yid]

Do you know them professionally?

Nope...

 

[Sneeky]

 

[Yid]

So, today has been exciting and it all started at 06:37...

Trigger warning for Toxic Masculinity, swearing, and other beastly behaviour that the delicate may call me a cunt for.

I went out with the lads last night to chat bullshit and neck beers. As per, we end up sliding into a local Curry house around about 10:30. It'd been a good night so far, with some great banter, but as we sat down the discussion about who can handle a spicy curry the obviously came up.

One mate who had slid off because his gastric system can't cope with a ruby and beer at the same time, of course came under significant fire with the conclusion being that his wife had sent him out with her love eggs and an apple air tag up his arse and he had to get home to change the batteries in the love eggs...

Another lad pipes up, "I've got an investors meeting tomorrow at 09:00, I can't be running to the shitter every 2 mins"... He was obviously ridiculed and derided for being a cuckold and a man sized vagina amongst other things, while the rest of us quickly learnt from his early mistake in displaying sensibility and ultimately weakness...

Another lad quickly sets the tone by ordering a Madras. Yeah not shabby start, he gets a nod from everyone at the table. But then that left me and the other big guy staring each other down, not wanting to be the one that gives... But he buckles, and he chips in with a "Chicken Naga"...

Oooooo, the crowd screams, there's no where for the big gun to go now, he has to fight back, he has to start swinging for his life...!

And he does, he tilts his head towards the lovely Indian waiter and he delivers a blow of such majestic magnificence by uttering 3 immortal words... "Lamb Phal please".

Now everyone (including the waiter) winced at his point... But I'm calm, I've been here before, it's not my first rodeo and you may think, "yeah, ok billy big bollocks", but I genuinely enjoy the flavour, the heat is hot, but it's a tasty dish.

And Lets face it, I clearly fucking won...!!!

Lovely meal, few more beers, I managed to get home without being sick in the taxi (this is a new thing that has happened to me in midlife, beer/taxi/vommy),and slid into bed, next to the trouble and proceeded to snore and fart my way through the next 6 hours and 37 mins blissfully unaware of the repercussions of my actions...

Now, I've had a Phal more than a few times and yeah taking a shit the next day can be a delicate experience as it can feel like shitting molten glass, but what I was not prepared for was pissing battery acid... The spice was burning my todge from the inside out. Yeah, I hear you saying, you've got a dose, you've got cystitis you daft cunt, but nope, it was 100% the curried chilli's exacting their revenge on my old chap...!

This was searing pain, this was eyes wide, what the fuck, am I dying pain for what felt like 5 mins but was more like 15 seconds... I've never had this from a curry before... Never.

Went for a piss a few mins ago and either all the nerve endings in my dick have been melted and I can't feel anything there any more or, it's done and I'm back to peak pissing performance...

Weird.

 

[Yid]

When I joined this forum I wasn’t expecting such a high level of debate!

But as we’re here I don’t have an option as to whether to leave the shitter door open as my wife has made her feelings quite clear on the subject and even encourages me to have a radio on to muffle the sounds which I admit can be embarrassing

FIGHT THE OPPRESSORS...

 

[Havocc]

@Yid I am an absolute pussy when it comes to spice. My order at an Indian is usually a Lamb Korma, which does not even count as a curry. The waiter usually laughs and offers me a blackcurrant fruit shoot to go with my kids meal!

I admire your bravery eating the phal. I did eat one once, at a Max Power live show. I was up on stage and had 3 challenges to win a £100.

1. Neck 6 cans of Calsberg in the quickest time.
2. Sit in a bath of ice while a busty max power girl dances around you. You were not allowed to make any expressions.
3. Eat a Phal.

Challenge 3 is where I threw up…….over the busty girls trainers.

Good times!

 

[Yid]

@Dorset I sent the Mrs away for her birthday to the lovely island if Majorca... Her and a pal getting some sun for a few days...

However, they phone me incredulous that all the shitter doors in the resort are opaque glass and basically see through...

This led me to think, for those of the closed door persuasion, does this opaque ambiguous situation still cause you concerns...?

 

[Dorset]

@Dorset I sent the Mrs away for her birthday to the lovely island if Majorca... Her and a pal getting some sun for a few days...

However, they phone me incredulous that all the shitter doors in the resort are opaque glass and basically see through...

This led me to think, for those of the closed door persuasion, does this opaque ambiguous situation still cause you concerns...?

They're a bit savage out there on the islands, Mallorca is just over the water from my casa, we can see Ibeza from up on the hills around Denia on a clear day (Mrs D says we can but my eyes are fucked so I just agree with her). Luckilly here on the mainland we have proper doors, I have a rating system for public bogs, I like to know where the closest one is at all times! There aren't really many public facilities but the big supermarkets, town halls, cultural centres and stuff like that have toilets and of course here you can just go into a bar or a restaurant and do your worst - they're not precious like in Brexitania, sit at a bar all day with one drink, use the lav, spend 4 or 5 hours over lunch - tranquillo as fuck!

I hope she's enjoying her hols, yesterday was fierce fucking hot here, it's much nicer today, but at the moment we're getting Augusty weather in fucking June, a bit of rain forecast for next week but not enough. It's starting to look like the fucking costa del fucking sol here in the northern costa blanca, it's normally nice and green this time of year but at the moment it's like a fucking desert.

 

[DMackay]

I’m sure that I visited Denia when we stayed at Calpe a few years ago and we occasionally used the Calpe Chippy ran by a Yorkshire couple

This was the time of year we went as I can’t do the heat so surprised that it’s so hot ATM

Cool and windy here mind!

 

[Dorset]

I’m sure that I visited Denia when we stayed at Calpe a few years ago and we occasionally used the Calpe Chippy ran by a Yorkshire couple

This was the time of year we went as I can’t do the heat so surprised that it’s so hot ATM

Cool and windy here mind!

Denia is about 20 mins from Calpe, BUT the best fish and chip shop in the whole world is in Moraira, between Denia and Calpe. I don't do the expat thing of eating nasty British food, but once a year we go to Fishy Fishy in Moraira for a piece of haddock the size of a whale, bloody lovely chips, mushy peas - followed by steamed pudding and custard!

We are pushing 30 degrees and above most days at the moment, it's our sixth summer living here and the first time we have need aircon in June.

 

[DMackay]

When we were there we struggled to find any haddock but the hake we had was excellent as was the batter!

I need good fish and chips once a week!

I didn’t realise that you were an Ex-Pat

I tried that In Turkey near Altinkum 45 mins from Bodrum but never really settled.

Natives were ok but some of the Brits out there weren’t and we got ripped off off a few times so sold up

Summers were lethal though and I couldn’t stand it
Mid 40s in August!

 

[Dorset]

When we were there we struggled to find any haddock but the hake we had was excellent as was the batter!

I need good fish and chips once a week!

I didn’t realise that you were an Ex-Pat

I tried that In Turkey near Altinkum 45 mins from Bodrum but never really settled.

Natives were ok but some of the Brits out there weren’t and we got ripped off off a few times so sold up

Summers were lethal though and I couldn’t stand it
Mid 40s in August!

I'm not an expat, that's a stupid word used by entitled Benidorm dwellers, I'm an immigrant. I've spent a lot of my life not living in England, loads of different countries, but now I'm really old I'll probably stay here, it's fecking great, I might even get Spanish citizenship as I don't need that useless Brexitanian passport anymore, I like freedom of movement (even though I never go anywhere these days).